Damn it
by Adrienne Wolf
Summary: Snape reflects on the greatest loss of his life the night before he was supposed to start a very different life than the one he has.


_**Damn It.**_

_Lady Adrienne Wolfe Gentry_

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Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life, without question. Tomorrow I was supposed to marry Lily Evans. Tomorrow I was supposed to start the rest of my life with my best friend as my wife, have the dream I've always dreamed of, have something actually work out for once.

Damn it.

I messed it all up.

I ruined all once again.

Damn it.

I had everything planned out since nearly the day I met her, before she met Potter and I ruined it all. October 26, at moonrise, a beautiful Celtic ceremony in honor of her heritage. She would have been so beautiful in her deepest purple medieval gown, a circlet of silver and amethyst holding that fiery red hair back as she stepped into the circle. I always did love that shade of red, showing so much of her spirit. But I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Damn right it wasn't, though I still wish for it.

We met when we were nine years old, just over ten years ago. I knew from the moment I saw her she would be the one I cared about most in my life. She was so special, so very magical I couldn't imagine her being related to that plain, insipid sister of hers, much less actually enjoying spending time with her. Lily was, and still is, the most remarkable creature I've ever met. I regret with everything I have that I hurt her and ruined the only relationship in my world that was ever something good.

Damned my world straight to hell, that it did.

I look around the dark room I've lived my life since leaving Hogwarts, my childhood misery not much better with the absence of my mother and father. My whole life has always been dark and utterly depressing for the most part, something I don't like to advertise. Lily was the bright thing I found in my world, the flame that lit up the moonless night. I wanted to keep her close and hold her and love her with everything I had, protect her from the dark rising in the land. She was the only faith in my existence, the only thing that made holding on worth it. And I had to go and destroy it all.

Damned toxic influences.

She told me she didn't like my new "friends," as she called them. Friends they weren't, just some people to be around when I couldn't be with her because of classes or rules or her new friends. She didn't like what they were talking about, nor this Lord Voledemort they seemed to worship. My bright little Lily, her temper would get the better of her, especially when it came to the evil and those who sided with it in this world. I should have known something as dark as myself shouldn't have been even allowed near her for fear of stifling that fire. Should have known it couldn't have lasted, as broken and dark as I am.

Damned for certain.

She started getting more involved, having less time for me. We would fight when we did have time, I hated being left alone. Didn't she see she was all I had? Didn't she see how much I needed her to be there? I don't think she did. I don't think she ever even realized how strongly I loved her then and still do. I was just someone who would yell cruel and hurtful things at her when I couldn't have things the way I wanted. Control was never something I've had, and I would have given anything just to have it. She couldn't be though, my wildfire. She only obeyed when she felt like it or it suited her purposes. I still say she would have been a fantastic Slytherin. She could dissemble and manipulate to her hearts content, when she felt like it, a perfect actress. We would have ruled the House together, been the king and queen. But her damned courage and lack of self preservation overrode those, and the Golden Girl of Gryffindor she became. That is how James Potter came to notice her. And why I got so jealous.

Damn being green with envy…

I've always hated Potter. He had everything he could have ever wanted and then proceeded to make life miserable for the rest of us outside his realm of existence. Mostly I hated him for coveting my Lily and making her miserable for so long. Anyone would want her, but few were arrogant enough to assume they had a chance. I always dreamed I did, but logically knew I didn't. That's why I never asked. But he did. He asked at every chance. She would complain, the few times towards the end of our relationship we didn't let our respective tempers war, that she didn't see why he would cause such a fuss. She had made it clear she didn't like him and just wanted him to go away, the egotistical prat. I tried repeatedly to explain the attraction she had to us not-yet-grown men, but she laughed it off self-consciously. Petunia's put-downs after Lily was accepted to Hogwarts and she wasn't had worked far too well. She didn't even understand that her best buddy Sev was so hopelessly in love with her and sitting there trying to find the words to repair damage done and start something new. It was my lack of words that caused the ultimate end of everything.

Damn vocabulary.

I just couldn't keep control of my temper. That day after O.W.L.S. still haunts me. James had been doing his usual show-off stuff, eventually targeting me. Lily ran over, some of the friendship we shared not quite yet gone. James started to flirt with her, asking her out for the 3,762nd time, yes, I counted, while still embarrassing me. I hated being seen that way in front of the girl I loved and James knew it, as did his little sidekick Black. That's when I said the words I'll regret until my dying day. I called my precious friend a Mudblood and told her I didn't need her sticking up for me.

Stupidest mistake of my damn life.

And that's saying something. I had been spending a lot more time with the Death Eaters in training, as well as the actual Death Eaters, and it just slipped out. I had used it before in meetings, but never in front of Lily. I was horror-struck as I watched her normally carefully guarded face, a skill she had perfected, crumple and saw something die inside her eyes. I had done the unthinkable and now we were done. I almost didn't hear James screaming at me for calling her it, or her retort she didn't need his help. I didn't get any of my usual satisfaction of her letting him have it.

I tried apologizing for months and years, even trying to tell her how I really felt about her and that the word was a mistake. But she wouldn't speak to me. Not once, except for the few sentences telling me she couldn't be around me anymore and to please leave her alone. I watched as James did what he had to in order to be there for her, be what she needed from someone who loves her. That killed me, but not as much as knowing I hurt her. I started slipping deeper into the world of Voldemort, not caring about anything because I knew she wouldn't come back. I dreamed about it, but always knew there were some things that couldn't be repaired.

She still won't speak to me, even now four years later. I know she and Potter got married in a small ceremony over the summer. Pettigrew tells me she is happy with married life and still will freeze up and leave the room when they start on me again. She hasn't said a word against me, according to him. That gives the tiny bit of hope I still have left more life, but my head still says it is hopeless. I try to squash any remaining feelings, but I can't. I surround myself with as much of the opposite of her to push her out of my mind, but it doesn't work. I still dream about her at night and hold on to the few precious things I have left, all that's left of the life I wanted so desperately. I remember the last time she spoke, when she said she wanted nothing more to do with me, I told her I loved her, always had and always would. She said it wasn't possible, that it was best to forget her and pretend she didn't exist. But she does, even if I haven't physically seen her for the longest time. Wouldn't want to be called a stalker or anything.

Nineteen years old is too young to feel this empty, but I know there isn't anyone out there as wonderful as she is. No one can ever hold a candle to her in my eyes. I have tried meeting other women, seeing if I'll feel that spark and feel hopeful again. At best they bore me, at worst they sicken me almost as bad as Potter does. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone.

Damn it.

Time to leave for the meeting. Tonight, likely around midnight I get the Mark burned into my arm along with new orders. I've heard rumors that Professor Slughorn is retiring this year, maybe I can convince the Dark Lord I could be at use at Hogwarts. Might even offer a distraction from my own personal hell that Firewhiskey doesn't even help. Rodolphus is here to escort me to the location of where I will receive my final tests and the Mark. Joy.

Maybe I'll die before midnight in the trials and never have to waken on the day Lily Evans was to be mine.

Although luck has never worked in my favor.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

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_A/N: This is really just a story to help me. I've been absorbed in thoughts about a relationship gone really badly and the fact I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow, October 26, 2008. I have never done a Snape story before, much less one talking about a relationship that may have existed or had the chance to exist because I'm pretty strongly a Lily/James shipper. The characters just fit the mood I'm in and I needed to write. I had Snape get the tattoo on the next day because I was going to get one tomorrow, ironically on my left forearm as well. I just don't have the money to, so he gets it. Thanks for reading and please review if you can. I'm just starting to get back into writing after not for a really long time.  
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_**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**_


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